I would say my 22 year marriage is as close to being over as possible. We are roommates united in the common goal of raising our children. This is totally unacceptable to me so I have researched and read every imaginable marriage book on the market.
We have been to counseling, though that was not successful. Neither of us is willing to hurt the other and say things that probably need to be said.
As a last resort, I thought sex might be the answer. Not saying I really wanted to but I thought maybe going back to basics would be a good place to regain our footing. He was getting out of the shower the other night and I flirtatiously offered him a blowjob. He said no.
I was stunned. I just said okay and walked out of the bathroom. He later came in and yelled at me that basically I haven’t been available to him but now I expected him to be at my “beck and call”. Frankly, this isn’t the first time he’s sexually rejected me. I certainly don’t feel like putting myself out there again.
Sincerely, Now What?
Dear Now What,
Jeesh, that’s a lot to swallow. Sorry, just wanted to try to lighten the mood a little.
Reading, good start. Out of curiosity did HE read any of the books. Maybe if there’s one that spoke to you, ask him to read it too. That may be a foundation to start discussions.
Counseling, a must. Look, maybe just acknowledge what you told us; that no one wants to hurt each other but there’s a lot on the line here. Either the gloves come off and you can improve your relationship or the gloves come off and you continue down the path you seem to be on now…divorce.
Sex, we kinda agree it SHOULD be a no brainer when all else fails. We truly don’t know what to make of a man refusing a blowjob and we don’t want to speculate on that. We’re pretty sure you’ve already come up with tons of (hopefully) irrational reasons.
You may just have to swallow (again, sorry) your pride and give it another go. We really hate the appearance of giving advice that it’s on you to try to fix this. It can’t be fixed only by you but you may have to be the one to repeatedly extend the olive branch.
We really hope you guys can get back to counseling. Definitely try a new therapist who hopefully comes highly recommended by someone you trust. Ugh, we’re hurting for you and wish you the best.
xo, Your Sages
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