I get tense the second my husband walks through the door at the end of the day. I feel as if I have to snap into service. Smile on my face, CHECK, big hug-big kiss, CHECK, heartfelt “how was your day?”, CHECK. Then prepare dinner, serve the family, clear and wash dishes. Service complete. The burden of this monotonous chore creates a heavy sense of resentment. How can I get over it?
Sincerely, Check Please
Dear Check Please,
We feel you, Sister. Confession time: One of your Sages used to feel exactly like you do. At times she would fantasize about living separately but weirdly would still clean, do laundry and feed the troops; essentially all the same shit that makes you pissy now BUT she wasn’t resentful.
She doesn’t live separately from her husband but she was able to tap into WHY she wasn’t pissy in Separate Fantasy Land. It was because she realized that she was creating a sacred 20 minutes or so where her children had the undivided attention of both their devoted parents. She replaced the resentment for chores with enthusiasm for meaningful ritual. That’s something her children would only experience at 50% of the time if they weren’t together and that made changing her attitude worthwhile.
The chores and cooking won’t go away, no matter what. All you can do is provide meaning behind it so that you don’t feel like the hired help. Hope that helps.
xo, Your Sages
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